I'm Broken, but fixable

(originally posted on September 23, 2007)

I cried today for the first time since my grandpa died. Nathan James Copier does not cry.. anymore. I was a cry baby growing up, but I can't even force it out anymore.

You know what it told me? I really do think that I loved her. Notice the past tense. I have had strong feelings for people before, but nothing that has caused me to release my emotions in that way.

I never told her I loved her. That would have just caused problems. (awkward, I know) But I told her how much I liked her all time. I treated her better than I have ever treated anybody. And you know why I did it? Because I wanted to. I felt so strongly for her that I was always trying to do nice things for her.

Things were going great. I was really enjoying every minute with her and I thought about her all the time. But then school started. We go to different schools, so I started seeing her less and less. For me that caused me to want to talk with her all the time. For her, well, I guess that caused her to want to think about her missionary.

Yeah. I lost out to a missionary. "Seriously?" you may ask, "He's thousands of miles away and you lost a girl to him?" Yeah, I did.

Unfortunately, I believe too much in true love to try and change her mind. If she is not going to feel the same amount of love for me that she feels for him, I don't want her to be with me. That's not fair to anyone. I deserve to be loved, and she deserves to be with someone she loves.

The worst part about it is I am completely scared of the future. I have confidence that I will find someone to feel so deeply about, but it scares me that I may not. After experiencing what I have these last few months, I don't want to have to live much longer without love in my life. It feels so good to care so much for someone and know that they feel the same way.

You know what else scares me? Having her in my life provided me with some direction. I wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen, but I was willing to stick around and find out. Now I have no f-ing clue what will happen or where I'll be in January. That really does scare me. I know I will land on my feet, but I don't want to have to jump just yet.

My heart hurts. A lot. I really just want to be loved.