Sunday, December 23, 2007

Graduation



I did it. Just three days short of my 25th birthday I graduated from USU. "Now what?" You are probably asking yourself. And you know my answer to that question is? .... I dunno. Good answer huh. Yeah, I don't know what to do with my life. Oh well. I still only have to fend for myself, so I guess I can still be a bum.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Welcome To Today!!




So... I have been writing some blogs for a while now. Most of them are not updates, but you can probably see a lot more of me in them than you could by me just updating everyone on my status day by day.

Go back and read how my last couple years have been. And from now on I'll start posting more updates with pictures starting with this post.. Yeah, I know... I rock pretty hard. :)



The Transfer Ambassadors at our Christmas Party



-Cope out

Love Me or Hate Me that is the Question

(originally posted on November 24, 2007)

I curse. Yup, I curse. Sometimes a lot. I don't hide it either. That is something that probably could and one day will be toned down a lot.
You know what else? I am opinionated. I say what I feel and sometimes it's mean. I am who I am. You can probably see 90% of my flaws within 30 min of meeting me.

If you don't like me, that's fine. Just don't go spreading false things about me. You can say all of the true things about me to anyone you want to. That's fine. What I've done and said is fair game. But YOUR interpretation of what I've said or who I am is not okay to go shouting out from the mountains tops.

The fact that I swear does not make me a bad person. The fact that I am confident does not make me a player. Seriously? Nice judgement people. You really have no idea who I am. I know you are just trying to protect someone close to you, but do it tactfully--and honestly.

Because I am not fake you don't respect me. Tell me how much sense that makes. I don't worry about my image and what you think about me, so therefore I am a jerk.

Awesome. I love everyone sometimes.

The Hardest Goodbye

(originally posted on November 1, 2007)

About three hours passed before the inevitable was finally approached. Neither one of us wanted it to come, but we both knew the time had come to let it happen. No words were needed. We had one final elongated embrace, I got out of the car and it was over.

The process of getting to that point wasn’t as easy as the actual action. It all started out with at least a half hour of relationship repair. I had hurt her. Actually, I should say my actions hurt her. I didn’t do anything to intentionally hurt her feelings; I did it to help myself. But from what I did, she felt disrespected. I understood that. I knew as I was kissing someone else she wouldn’t be too excited if she found out. But SHE broke up with ME. Had my intentions been to kiss someone to shove it in her face, than I would have been at fault completely. That’s not ok. But having someone actually show me affection was so refreshing. I never understood how important that is in a relationship (it is important to note that the reason there was a lack of affection in our relationship was valid).

It took a while for the overall atmosphere in the car to be calm enough where we could both speak freely and not feel attacked by the other. But I think both of us were able to understand each other and felt understood by the other.

After that was cleared up, the waiting began. Topics were discussed, repeated and hammered to the ground. We both knew what the other was thinking. We both knew that the other was avoiding the inevitable. Logically we were both prepared for the separation. We had been officially broken up for a while, but now was the time when it all had to be for real. We had to say goodbye. Our hearts were not ready, but sometimes for your hearts own good you have to let logic take over.

I had been waiting for this day for weeks. My heart needed to be away from her. Weekdays were always good and I could start to move on, but the second I saw her, all of my emotions came screaming back throughout my body. So the fact that the day had finally come was supposed to such a relief. It wasn’t supposed to be that hard. Sometimes closing the door completely isn’t as easy as you think.

I'm Broken, but fixable

(originally posted on September 23, 2007)

I cried today for the first time since my grandpa died. Nathan James Copier does not cry.. anymore. I was a cry baby growing up, but I can't even force it out anymore.

You know what it told me? I really do think that I loved her. Notice the past tense. I have had strong feelings for people before, but nothing that has caused me to release my emotions in that way.

I never told her I loved her. That would have just caused problems. (awkward, I know) But I told her how much I liked her all time. I treated her better than I have ever treated anybody. And you know why I did it? Because I wanted to. I felt so strongly for her that I was always trying to do nice things for her.

Things were going great. I was really enjoying every minute with her and I thought about her all the time. But then school started. We go to different schools, so I started seeing her less and less. For me that caused me to want to talk with her all the time. For her, well, I guess that caused her to want to think about her missionary.

Yeah. I lost out to a missionary. "Seriously?" you may ask, "He's thousands of miles away and you lost a girl to him?" Yeah, I did.

Unfortunately, I believe too much in true love to try and change her mind. If she is not going to feel the same amount of love for me that she feels for him, I don't want her to be with me. That's not fair to anyone. I deserve to be loved, and she deserves to be with someone she loves.

The worst part about it is I am completely scared of the future. I have confidence that I will find someone to feel so deeply about, but it scares me that I may not. After experiencing what I have these last few months, I don't want to have to live much longer without love in my life. It feels so good to care so much for someone and know that they feel the same way.

You know what else scares me? Having her in my life provided me with some direction. I wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen, but I was willing to stick around and find out. Now I have no f-ing clue what will happen or where I'll be in January. That really does scare me. I know I will land on my feet, but I don't want to have to jump just yet.

My heart hurts. A lot. I really just want to be loved.

Communicate for a Happy Nate

(originally posted on September 15, 2007)

Communication. There is an old Cliche about it. "You can't not communicate." This basically implies that everything you do is communicating something to others. What you wear is saying something about you to anyone who sees you. If you don't write someone back who texts you, you are communicating something to them. Cool huh?

You know what drives me insane? Not communicating. "But Nate," you might say, "you just told me that you can't not communicate. Aren't you contradicting yourself?" No. I'm not. The fact that she's not communicating with me is communicating something to me. But that's not good enough. Please open your mouth and talk to me. I go crazy not knowing what you're thinking.

You know what else drives me insane? Road Construction. Is Udot really that retarded? How long has it taken you to work on I-15 in Ogden? Oh, you don't know? I do. Too damn long. Seriously. What the hell. Don't close the freeway at night and make me drive through Ogden. I hate Ogden. The only good thing that ever came out of Ogden was the movie "Drive Me Crazy" and that wasn't even very good. Please Udot, don't make my long ass drive home any less pleasant.

What long ass drive you ask? Oh, just the 140 miles I drive almost every day to work. And you know what greets me at mile 130? A red light. In the middle of freaking-podunk-i-don't-even-know-what-city, there is a stop light. I have never seen anyone on this intersecting street, yet the light is always red when I get to it. Why mysterious stop light do you do this to me? Not only are you hurting my Gas Mileage, but you make me actually have to use my feet to drive. I don't want to use my feet to drive in freaking-podunk-I-don't-even-know-what-city. I want to use my cruise control.

I realize the title of this blog/note is not fitting for all of the subject matter Marty. I don't care. Grow up.

Grammar Lession #3

This one goes out to all my Brothers. The word is mouTH. Not mouf. Teeth, not teef.

And Sarah, the word "no" only has one syllable.

Leave It How You Found It

(originally August 6, 2007)

I wrote this about 3 years ago about no one. It now describes exactly how I feel about someone.



Leave it how you found it
My heart can't take no more
Leave it how you found it
So at the of my road there's an open door
How you found it,
How it was when you met me
How you found it

I don't know how to love you
I don't know what to say
But there's a feeling deep inside me
That just wont go away

I don't know where I'm going
All I know is I want you there
But if you have to leave me
Don't leave me in Despair

When I see you- my world stops spinning for just a moment
When I hold you- I hold you closer than I've ever held someone before
I need to you.
Remember who I am and that I'm fragile.

Leave it how you found it
My heart can't take no more
Leave it how you found it
So at the of my road there's an open door
How you found it,
How it was when you met me
How you found it

Random Blabberings of the ADD Kid

So it's raining outside and the satellite is out. Therefore I am stuck doing something my good friend Marty does quite frequently. No, you dirty minded freaks, I am talking about writing a blog. Here is what's going through my mind right now.

Thought #1: Recently Returned Missionaries are big dorks. I think a few of us escaped the awkward stage pretty quickly, but most of them really need a mentor walking around with them informing them what is socially acceptable and what isn't. Since I cannot and will not commit to such an obligation for any price that any of you can afford, I will offer one piece of advice out of the goodness of my heart: YOU CANNOT TUCK YOUR BUTTON UP SHIRTS IN TO YOUR JEANS. Sorry peeps, that just doesn't fly. In fact, you really shouldn't be tucking much of anything in. So until you are capable of good judgement again mister recently returned missionary, leave the tucking in for sundays.

Thought #2: I don't get you girls. Maybe it's cause I call you all girls instead of Women. I don't know. I just don't get what goes through your heads.

Thought #3: If someone looks annoyed with you, don't try to use your "niceness" to try and fix it. There is a reason they are annoyed with you and maybe they just need some space to get over it. Seriously, being fake isn't going to help the situation. I know your heart is in the right place and your mom always told you to "kill people with niceness," but really all you are doing is making me want to stab you in the jaw.

Thought #4: Rock Band is coming out in November for PS3 and Xbox 360. I am not really into video games, but with this game I know I am doomed to many more sleepless nights up at school. Having an apartment full of competitive musicians doesn't help either. We all get obsessed. Let's just pray I still graduate on time.


(originally posted on August 3, 2007)

Grammar Lesson: When do you use "I" and when do you use "me"? Sounds easy huh? Well all of you suck at it.

Correct sentence: My friends and I are going to a movie.
Incorrect Sentence: Me and my friends are going to a movie.
Correct sentence: My mom is taking me and my friends to a movie.
Incorrect sentence: My mom is taking my friends and I to a movie.

It's really quite simple. If you drop "my friends" would you say me or I? Do you say "Me am going to a movie?" or "My mom is taking I to a movie?" NO. Not even Germans who suck at english say that.

Think before you speak.

And people I still hear "I could care less" all the time. I even hear it on TV. Really how hard is it to add one syllable to your phrase to correct it? It's not. CouldN'T. Seriously people.

The Game (don't worry 50 Cent, not that The Game)

(orginally posted on July 21, 2007)

You know what I am talking about. If you don't, you probably don't get out much: The Game.

I hate playing it, but it's a necessary evil. If she is completely into me and doesn't play the game, I get bored and the "relationship" will last maybe two weeks. I know it's sad. I wish that wasn't the case, but it is.

If the game is being played, you never know where you stand. One second everything seems perfect, the next you feel like you can't do anything right.

I didn't know how interested I was going to be. I just thought I would take it slow and see what happens. I'll be honest, I still moved too fast. She hasn't really kissed that many guys and how long do I wait before I kiss her? I don't. It was the first "official" date. I could tell she was a little nervous about being played at first and I was never intending that to happen, but she probably had good reason to worry.

But she played her cards right. I am normally the one with control of the situation, but she definitely is in control. She'll show me enough attention to keep me around. She makes just enough time for me in the week to make me feel she's into me. Sometimes however, I feel like she blows me off. Of course, she's always really sweet when she does it, but that doesn't change the fact that she does it. I don't know what she wants. That drives me insane.

Yet, that's what keeps me interested. She's into me. She not into me. She's into me. She's not into me. F the game, I don't think I'll ever win.

Missed Opportunity

(Originally posted in June 6, 2007)
In the wake of recent findings, I was reminded of some lyrics I wrote about an event that happened about 5 years ago...



A life time chance before my eyes
but the immature brain doesn't realize
That when the heart speaks - It's a voice you can't ignore

I give her the eye as she walks by,
All confidence is lost, I cannot lie
But when she looked at me - She wrote it on my heart

Is she the one who's gonna mean the world to me?
I don't want to miss this opportunity
Do I lose my pride and tell her how I feel?
Or will she know if I just keep my lips sealed.
I feel inside that she could really be the one-
The one I wake up next to when the morning comes
Does she feel the same about me?

Missed Opportunity

Hanging out - Wussin Out
Try to tell her how I feel - But I lose the words
and the courage

I find the words -
But I missed my chance
Each night it gets harder to tell her how I feel

Is she the one who's gonna mean the world to me?
I don't want to miss this opportunity
Do I lose my pride and tell her how I feel?
Or will she know if I just keep my lips sealed.
I feel inside that she could really be the one-
The one I wake up next to when the morning comes
Does she feel the same about me?

Missed Opportunity


Time fades away and I must go
I've gotta leave the girl behind
I wussed out - And I knew that she could tell

But before I go,
Our last goodbye,
I could actually the hurt in her eye
Our last embrace - I never wanted to let go

Was she the one who's could have mean the world to me?
Did I go and miss my opportunity
Do I lose my pride and tell her how I feel?
Or will she know if I just keep my lips sealed.
I feel inside that she could really be the one-
The one I wake up next to when the morning comes
Did she feel the same about me?

Missed Opportunity

Thank You Lord For John Mayer

Music has such a power. It can bring back such strong emotions. Whether the emotions remind me of good times or bad, I love basking in them. There are certain songs that can bring you back somewhere so vividly that it seems you are there again.

Sometimes you feel like the artist got in your head and your heart, picked out your thoughts and emotions and slapped them down on a page. John Mayer seems to do that to me over and over again.

His music inspires me. Not only to want to become a better musician and lyricist, but in life as well. Thank you Lord for John Mayer to help me get through the down times in life. I have continual eye opening experiences just by listening to his music.

John- thank you for being the shit

The Other Side

I guess I deserved it. I've put girls through the exact same thing. And as cool, calm and collected as I may have seemed, I was pretty riled up. Having euphemisms thrown out all evening long explaining that I am not good enough for her really made the evening fun.

I'll give her credit. She didn't want to say it. In fact, she didn't even want to feel that way. But she does. She said multiple times that it is probably something she should get over, that it's not that important. But it obviously was. The things she was so bothered about were small petty things, in my opinion. But if they bug her, they bug her. I don't want someone to have to force themselves to want to be with me.. I guess I am just a hopeless romantic. I expect fireworks on both ends of a relationship.

At one time I would have changed for her – Ironically, at one time I wouldn't have needed to change for her.

What hurts the most is that she couldn't even see the type of person I really am. She let these stupid things hang over my head. She has no idea I have the same goals as she does. She is still blind.

Here's the irony of the whole situation. After we stopped dating the first time, she told me that she thought all she was to me was just another girl with a pretty face who laughed at my jokes. Yeah, it turns out she's the shallow one. I'm the one who got who used. She's all about being with me when it's convenient, but when it's not I don't exist.

Being on this end sucks.

Wal-Mart, Equations, and an Idiom

As I was on my weekly sunday night/monday morning @ 12am Wal-Mart run, I found myself quite perturbed. Why, if you only have one set of your two doors operational in the evening, would you only have the middle check out lanes open? Everyone has to go in and out of those doors anyway. How very inconvenient. I go on these runs to feed my impulse buying addiction, and you want to delay my quick fix by making me walk across half the store, just so I'll buy another candy bar? F that. We really need to change that. Where's the suggestion box in Wal-Mart anyway?

I've decided I need a girl in my life. No, not because I am 24 and single, but because I need to write some new songs with soul wrenching lyrics. So, I'll be holding auditions for any attractive females who are willing to stir up my emotions. Sure, we can date for love at first, but then you are going to have to cheat on me or something. Yeah, we all love those happy, cheesy love songs, but when the music really effects our emotions is when the song is a depressing tune with emotion ridden lyrics about the messy break up. Hit me up if you're interested. I promise to immortalize you.

Was that last paragraph shallow? No. I said I want an ATTRACTIVE girl to break my heart, because I do. Sorry, but realistically speaking if I am not attracted to you, you probably are not going to break my heat. No broken heart means no soul wrenching lyrics. Without soul wrenching lyrics neither one of us will be immortalized.

Speaking of ridiculous equations, anybody hear about that lady who sold her baby to a couple for a car and cash??? Yeah, that's definitely a sad, twisted story. The worst part of the story, however, is the news coverage on it. I'm not sure if it was FOX news or CNN, but one of those prominent, trusted, national news stations actually formulated an equation to show while they were covering this story. The equation consisted of a picture of an automobile, a + symbol, a picture of cash, an = sign, a picture of a baby, and then (my favorite part of all) a question mark. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Please bless that was some clueless intern's first big project.

Ok. Here's the Grammar lesson for the blog.

Amy says something to Hannah such as:

"Hanz, we're in a gang, but our room is sooooo messy! Let's be birds and clean it!"

To which Hannah replies:

"I could care less if our room is a mess! Hey, that rhymed,"

What did Hannah just say? She wanted to say that she really didn't care that their room is a mess, but that's not what she said. She said that she COULD care less. Does that make sense? No, it does not.

The correct phrase is "I couldN'T care less" In other words, there is no possible way that I could care less about our room being messy.

COULDN'T CARE LESS.. Use it, Love it.

-Cope Out

Didn't Even Notice



I came when you called
I did what you asked
gave you everything you wanted
I offered my help
I offered my heart
phrased words so they complimented


Sometimes love don't feel like it should
Sometimes love stops your every move
and I took a chance on you-
but you didn't even notice


Didn't even notice


I'm sick of all the games
sick of all the lies
together times I comprimised for
I let down my guard
let you slash inside
where..I hide dreams behind locked doors


Sometimes love don't feel like it should
sometimes love stops your every move
and I took a chance on you-
but you didn't even notice


Didn't even notice


Just walk away- that's fine
I will move on- in time
but when you look back you'll see
you gave up any chance with me


you didn't even notice

She's Just Not That Into Me

Call me a flaiming homosexual if you want, but I was listening to an audio book tonight that inspired me. It just may have been called "He's Just Not That Into You." It's actually a pretty funny book. The whole book basically says if a guy doesn't appear to be into it (a relationship), he probably really isn't. It really got me thinking about a certain situation. I felt as naive as some of those girls in this book. And that's when I decided.....she's just not that into me.

So I decided to make sure of it and call her and confess my true feelings. Although it was hard to get out what I wanted to say, it was really relieving. I basically got the answer I was expecting. I am not going to shut the door on that opportunity, but for now I am not going to dwell on it. It is what it is. At least she knows now exactly how I feel.

Luckily, right now I am in seventh heaven over another girl. Am I scared to death at the same time? You bet your buttons I am. She broke my heart once and quite possibly will do it again. But this time we are going to take it slow. Build up the intimacy that is necessary to have a real relationship.

I am excited for the possibilites, but realistic at the same time. I have to keep my feet on the ground until I know she's air born. It takes two to fly.

Roller Coaster

What Sucks:

Having someone you care deeply about and would do anything for, and having them not even notice. Wanting to tell them your deep innermost feelings and how they have complete control over them, but not having the courage to say anything because you don't want to ruin "what you have." Sitting home alone listening to depressing songs who's lyrics feel like they were ripped right out of your depressed, doubting heart and forcing yourself to relive every moment you've spent with them.

What Doesn't Suck:

Having a freaking awesome weekend. First of all, I was in St. George. I am a big fan of that place. It feels like home. More importantly though, sitting and enjoying your time with someone who makes you completely forget that you were a lovesick fool. And because of this company, feeling like there is light seeping down through the dark rain clouds of emotional despair, allowing you to understand that you could live without her.

My Heart Revealed

I don't think you understand exactly how I feel.
That what burns inside me, is something that is real.
I think about you every day, each night of you I dream,
But now with you so far away, I should give up it seems.

But

I vowed that I never would, the rest of my days down here-
Neglect the yearning of my heart and run away in fear.
For you I'll battle if I must, for you my sword I'll wield,
For you will be my everything.

This is my heart revealed.

Waiting...

I am waiting for the one who makes me feel inside
the way you did when I had you with me by my side.
I am longing for the butterflies that used to fill my soul
and hoping there's another who will void this empty hole.

My vision of the future is impaired by things gone by.
My heart is now forever afraid to pick up wings and fly.
You never fully understood what or who I am
didnt think that I was one whose goals with yours would blend

You barely caught a glimpse of what is past my rough exterior
Never saw that how you were made me feel inferior
The one for me will see through my tough guy facade
and love me and my weaknesses and not care that I'm flawed

Often my mind returns to thoughts of what might have been.
I realize now the story we wrote actually had an end.
And now I yearn for the one whose presence makes me shiver.
It doesnt matter when she comes, just that shes mine forever!